Addicted to Him Read online

  I wish I could be as confident as Lisa is, but I just don’t know if Dad and I will ever be close. Especially close enough that he would ask me to come live with him. I close my eyes and try to put all of it out of my mind. I think about Seth instead but that just reminds me that not only will I have to say good-bye to my new happy home in a few weeks, but also to the boy I’m in love with unless I find the courage to ask Dad if I can stay. I just don’t think I could bare it if he said no.

  “I miss my little brother,” I tell her, wondering how Wade is doing. I miss him so much that I briefly considered calling Phil’s cell phone to ask to talk to Wade but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. The Phil situation seems so much more real and disgusting since I admitted all of it to Seth.

  “He sounds like a pretty special little guy,” Lisa says, smiling over at me. I’ve regaled them with tales of Wade at dinner most nights, never running out of stories about my highly imaginative, rambunctious little brother. If I’m being honest about moving here, it probably wouldn’t even matter if Dad asked me to stay because I don’t think I could fathom being away from Wade forever.

  “I always thought that you and Dad would have more kids,” I blurt out.

  Surprisingly, Lisa doesn’t seem fazed by the abrupt change in subject. She lazily rolls on her side and props herself up on her elbow facing me.

  “We waited for a long time because your Dad was worried how it would affect you, then we thought maybe it would help. Maybe you would want to visit more if you had a brother or a sister because we know how much you love Wade. Do you think you would have liked having another brother or sister?” she asks.

  I nod, pushing back the tears that are threatening to break lose. Obviously Lisa couldn’t ever get pregnant because I know they wouldn’t have waited this long. Life is so cruel to allow someone like my mother to easily give birth to two children that she will probably never appreciate but to deny Lisa a child of her own. I’m touched by her treating me like her own but I know that having a moody stepdaughter doesn’t even begin to compete with holding her very own bundle of joy made of her and my father. “I’m sorry, Lisa.”

  “Don’t be, sweetie. It’s just the luck of the draw,” she says, sighing.

  I consider asking about surrogacy or adoption but I feel like I’ve crossed over the line as it is.

  “Sometimes things don’t work out quite the way you imagine,” she says wistfully.

  I turn on my side so I’m facing her and reply, “No, they really don’t.”

  She smiles so purely that my heart nearly breaks for her. It is that moment that I realize that I love her and being with her feels like I’ve always imagined home should feel like. A home filled with laughter and warmth not walking on eggshells and deliberately failing at things to compensate for Chastity’s own shortcomings.

  The sliding glass door opens and Dad comes out dressed in cut-off jean shorts and a Metallica T-shirt with an American flag bandana holding his hair back.

  “There are my two lovely ladies. I don’t suppose either one of you would like to come fishing with me?” he asks hopefully.

  Lisa and I exchange glances and her left eyebrow lifts almost imperceptibly. I jump off my lounge chair and start gathering my iPod, phone, sunscreen, and a can of soda in my arms.

  “I’d love to go fishing, Dad.”

  “You would?” he asks, shocked. Then the biggest grin I’ve ever seen spreads across his face. I never knew he had so many teeth.

  “Just let me change,” I say, bolting inside.

  “I’m going to sit this one out,” Lisa says from behind me.

  My stomach rumbles in fear of being alone with Dad. I hope we don’t run out of things to talk about, or that I don’t blurt out how miserable my life is and beg him to let me come live with him. I know if I asked he would agree but it would have to be his idea or I would always think that he just felt sorry for me.

  ****

  “You can bait your own hook?” Dad asks incredulously as I twist a wiggling worm easily onto the end of my hook and cast my line into the water.

  “Paaallleeessse,” I say jokingly.

  “We’ll see what happens when a hundred pound lake trout snags your line,” he teases.

  My eyes get huge. “A hundred pounds, seriously?” I thought we were fishing for some medium-sized crappie or walleye.

  “I’m just pulling your leg. They stay deep most of the time in the summer.”

  My legs are dangling just above the water as we are perched on a giant boulder. I jerk my legs in knowing that I’m being silly because lake trout probably don’t have much use for them, but Wade has made me watch one too many episodes of River Monsters to chance it.

  Dad casts his line in the opposite direction of mine and we sit back and wait for our first nibble.

  “So, you and Seth are getting pretty serious, huh?” he asks.

  I’m so surprised by his question that I make sure and steady myself on the rock before I answer. I glance over at him and his smile tells me everything.

  “My buddy across the street got woke up by the storm the other night and said he looked out his front window to see, and these are his words, a scene more romantic than the one from The Notebook unfolding before his very eyes. He knew it wasn’t me and Lisa so he texted me to make sure some random horny couple wasn’t squatting in my house.”

  “Oh my God.” It’s the only response I can muster at the time. I look straight into the dark blue mountain water not daring to meet his eyes that I can feel bearing down on me. He doesn’t sound mad but almost amused. Maybe because now he can get rid of me.

  I’m dying. I’m actually dying right now. My father, who I have barely held a normal conversation with my entire life, knows that I used his house as a sexual playground the entire weekend. I pray for the giant lake trout to jump out of the water and swallow me whole right now but it doesn’t.

  “Dad, I’m really sorry. I know it was disrespectful to be with Seth in your home,” I begin.

  “Stop right there, young lady,” Dad shouts. “It’s your home, too.”

  “Of course. You and Lisa have always made me feel welcome,” I backtrack.

  “You aren’t just welcome, Cassidy. It’s your home,” he stresses. “We love you and we want you there. I don’t care what you did with some boy when I was gone. I know you’re smart and you’ll make good decisions. I remember being eighteen and crazy about somebody too once.”

  I hate the fact that he just compared my relationship with Seth to his with Chastity, but I appreciate the fact that he obviously isn’t going to ship me back to Missouri early.

  “Do you regret meeting Chastity?”

  “Not for a second. If I wouldn’t have met your mom, I wouldn’t have you. I know I haven’t been a very good father, but you mean everything to me.”

  I wait for the but, or the only, that always seem to piggyback onto all of Chastity’s compliments turned slams but they never come. He loves me, he really loves me.

  “So you’re not mad about Seth?”

  “Am I thrilled that my daughter isn’t running around in pigtails playing dress-up anymore? Heck no, but if he makes you happy then that’s all I care about. You deserve some happiness for a change.”

  I’m touched by my father’s sincere words and I lean to hug him but something jerks my line and I yank back with all my might.

  “That’s it, nice and easy,” Dad coaxes, putting his arms on mine for extra support. I love that I don’t jerk away but actually enjoy his embrace.

  I feel the fish struggling to swim away and I hold tight knowing that it will eventually tire out then I can reel it in. After a few minutes of holding steady, I slowly start to reel a little of my line in until it is just below the rock we are sitting on. Dad scoops the net into the water to bring out a beautiful rainbow trout that must weigh at least eight pounds.

  “Dinner’s on me tonight, Daddy.”

  I’m instantly embarrassed that I subconsciously rev
erted back to what I used to call him when I was six but he beams so brightly that I don’t regret it for long.

  He hands me an old rag and I carefully extract the hook from the fish’s mouth. I hold him up proudly as Dad takes my picture with his cell phone. He must send a text to Lisa because within minutes Dad insists that I ask Seth to dinner to share my prized catch. That’s when I realize that I left my cell phone lying on my bed when I was changing. Hopefully we will get back in time that Seth won’t already have plans for dinner.

  We finish out the afternoon catching a few more fish but none nearly as big as my first guy who is chilling out in Dad’s livewell. We head home happy, sunburned, and exhausted but anxious to take on the challenge of readying our dinner.

  The minute we pull up, I dash inside and check my phone. It has two missed text messages from Seth. The first one says ‘Can’t wait to see you tonight, gorgeous.’ The second reads ‘WHERE R U?’ and was sent almost an hour ago. My blood runs cold at the capitalized text, knowing I’ve worried/pissed him off/screwed things up again. I hurry and compose a text telling him I’ve been fishing with my dad and ask if he can come to dinner.

  After pushing send, I sit on the carpet waiting for his reply. I don’t want to get my fancy sheets and comforter fishy smelling, besides, I can still smell Seth on them and I don’t want that scent disappearing.

  Fifteen minutes go by with no response, so I finally retreat to the bathroom taking my phone with me. But it doesn’t chime or ring the whole time I shower, put makeup on, or do my hair. I slide into a soft sundress, something gentle against my sunburn, and make my way downstairs.

  I help Lisa with the dinner preparations trying to be cheerful even though every fiber of my being knows Seth is punishing me for not texting him back immediately. I guess I can’t blame him. After our passionate weekend together it must have felt like a slap in the face to have two texts ignored for hours.

  As I chew a hunk of breaded fish, I try to laugh and chat with Lisa and Dad like nothing is wrong. I hate that just as everything was going so good with Dad, now things are screwed up with Seth again. Maybe this is karma for not releasing that fish to live a longer life. Or maybe this is just my life.

  Chapter Twelve

  Dad and Lisa eventually head to bed and I pop in a romantic comedy but find my mind drifting, thinking of Seth touching me and wondering if he will ever touch me like that again. Then I wonder if Ethan touches Whit like that. I shiver at the thought of being so self destructive but I can’t seem to stop myself. I pull up the Facebook app on my phone and check Whit’s page.

  Her profile pic is of the two of them kissing in front of a waterfall. It is actually a really great picture, if only it wasn’t of these two particular people looking so much in love. Maybe I’m being selfish. Maybe I expected too much. I don’t care. I still can’t forgive them. I delete Whit as a friend, knowing that no good can come from me having access to her page in the future.

  I just wish Seth would call or text then I wouldn’t care anything about Ethan and Whit but it’s almost eleven o’clock and I haven’t heard a peep. I suddenly realize that I don’t have to sit here and wait for him to call me.

  I grab Dad’s keys and leave a note in case they wake up. Dad has told me several times that I’m free to use the car whenever I want so I’m finally going to take advantage of that. I back out quietly and head toward Seth’s neighborhood. I have no idea what I am going to do because it’s not like I can go knock on the door at this time of night but at least I can see that he made it home from work.

  I pull into his subdivision and slowly around to his house. His Mustang isn’t sitting in the driveway and I get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’ve been waiting around for a text all night when he was out doing who knows what. I pull over next to their mailbox to give myself a chance to calm down. My phone chimes and I grab it up, hoping it isn’t Dad.

  I want to see you, Seth texts.

  I text him back to meet me at the park near my house and start that way. I try to drive the speed limit all the way there but it’s hard knowing that Seth is waiting for me. I’m so happy knowing that he isn’t out with someone else but was thinking of me. I pull up next to his car at the pocket park near my house and get out.

  He is sitting on a picnic table under a pavilion waiting for me. I get out and walk toward him.

  “Where have you been?” he asks suspiciously, obviously expecting me to walk here since it is so close to my house.

  “Looking for you,” I tell him then grab him and kiss him.

  “Maybe I don’t want to kiss you because you didn’t text me back very quickly,” he says, pulling away from me.

  I start to walk back to my car, knowing he wants me or he wouldn’t have texted. “I was with my dad and I forgot my phone. I already told you that. If you want to be mad, fine.” I’m almost to my car door when he spins me around.

  “Did you ask him about staying?” he asks excitedly, making me feel guilty. He pushes me against the car door and presses himself against me as he runs his hand through my hair.

  “I told you, I have to wait a few days,” I say, rubbing myself against him. Sometimes I wish I could have a normal conversation with him without wanting to screw his brains out, but I can’t. I run my hands down his strong shoulders and bring them around to the front of his pants. I unbutton them and start to pull his zipper down but he stops me.

  “Maybe I should cut you off until you actually do talk to him,” he suggests, lifting an eyebrow evilly, but then he licks his lips and moves his thumbs over the thin fabric of my dress where my hardened nipples are poking through.

  He picks me up and walks back to the picnic table, setting me down gently. He reaches under my dress and pulls my panties off. He puts two of his fingers in his mouth to wet them then eases them inside me. I lean back, gripping the edges of the picnic table, pleasure rippling through my body. The pavilion isn’t lighted and this street is fairly deserted but the thought that someone could see us only makes me hotter.

  “I can’t stand the thought of you ever being with anyone else,” Seth says, pulling down the top of my dress and taking an erect nipple in his mouth.

  “I could never be with anyone else. Ever,” I promise breathlessly.

  My nipple slides out of his mouth as he makes his way back to my lips. “I would do anything to keep you here forever,” he says, slipping his tongue into my mouth.

  There is no way that I can ever leave Seth. No matter how hard it is going to be to ask Dad if I can stay, knowing that there is a possibility of rejection, leaving Seth behind would be the hardest thing I can imagine.

  I pull out of our kiss because I need him to know how I feel. “I love you, Seth, and I’ll do whatever I have to do to stay with you forever.”

  He cradles my face in his hands and looks at me with so much love in his eyes that I think my heart might burst right out of my chest. He pulls me to the end of the picnic table and raises the bottom of my dress to my waist. He drops his pants and boxers and slides into me, making us one. Tears roll down my cheeks as he gently pulses into me, running his lips all over my neck and face.

  He raises back up and licks his lips, watching himself glide in and out of me. I never would have thought I would ever be so comfortable with a person to be able to allow myself to do whatever made me feel good. But I trust Seth so much that nothing seems off limits. I reach down and start to rub my nipples, knowing that Seth loves to watch me touch myself. He leans forward to lick my fingers, still sliding in and out of me.

  “Come for me, Seth,” I beg, my toes starting to tingle as my orgasm starts to flood through me.

  He locks his amazing green eyes on mine and I see them widen as he feels the slickness between my legs increase as my orgasm makes its way to my core. It pushes him over the edge and he grips the sides of the table as he moans my name.

  I shiver knowing that I do that to him. I never knew that sex could feel like this because things with Ethan
were always so awkward.

  Seth pulls out of me and yanks his pants back up. He sling-shots my panties back to me and I slip them on. He sits down on the bench of the picnic table and gestures for me to straddle his lap. I climb on top of him and wrap my hands around his neck.

  “We aren’t being very smart,” he says, looking serious.

  “I know, right? Somebody could have driven by and seen everything,” I say, shuddering at the thought of Dad out for a late night drive.

  “Not that. I meant birth control.”

  “Oh,” I say, shocked. The thought had crossed my mind for about a millisecond before he came in me for the first time, but then I remembered the tiny pill I swallow like clockwork every morning. It was stupid not to insist that he wear a condom but I guess lust won out. I want to be honest with him and tell him that I’m on the pill. Obviously he doesn’t think I’m a virgin but it still feels awkward. I don’t want him to think that I had the same feelings for Ethan that I do for him. Then I realize that I wasn’t ever really on birth control for Ethan, so my confession doesn’t even have to include him. I dread this conversation, but I want to be honest with Seth. I have to stop avoiding every conversation that might be a little uncomfortable, starting with this one.

  “I’m not worried because I’m on the pill,” I say, tensing as I anticipate his reaction.

  He doesn’t pull away but the look in his eyes immediately changes from affectionate to suspicious. “Was it for your ex?”

  “No, it wasn’t for him,” I answer, shaking my head vigorously, trying to steel myself for what I’m about to say. “It was in case things with Phil got worse.” I feel like I might puke at that admission which I really didn’t even realize myself until just a moment ago.

  “Oh, Jesus, Cassidy. Baby, I’m so sorry,” he says, his suspicions melting away as he clings to me, kissing my face and wiping the new crop of tears that are sliding down my cheeks.

  “The whole thing would have been bad enough but if I would have gotten pregnant, I would have killed myself,” I admit.