Addicted to Him Read online

  I go to the cabinet and pull out a box of Lucky Charms. I had a feeling these would be in here and it makes me smile. Sometimes I forget how good it feels to smile because I spend so much time trying to hide my feelings. I dig out the biggest bowl I can find and fill it with cereal then splash just enough milk to get it wet but not soggy. Soggy cereal is the worst.

  I get comfy in Dad’s recliner, which still smells like him, and flip on the television. Mamma Mia, my all time favorite movie, is on and I’m in heaven. Between the cereal, the movie, and the smell of Dad’s aftershave, I feel like I’m twelve again. A big part of me wishes I could rewind and go back to when things were simpler. I would try harder to keep my relationship with my Dad going and stand up for myself more against Chastity, so basically become a whole new person.

  How was I supposed to know that things would go so wrong? That my mother would become more hateful and vile as the years went on. I saw what she put Dad through every time he would pick me up or drop me off and I think unconsciously I figured that at least one of us should try and make it out alive. That’s why I never told him that I felt like I was drowning when he asked me how I felt about him moving away.

  He gave me plenty of opportunities to stop him but I just kept up my little act of being excited to come visit him, knowing full well that I probably never would. Had I known what was on the horizon, I would have clung to his leg and begged him to take me with him. Had I only known.

  The phone rings cutting through my memories. It seems that I have been so spaced out that I let the unthinkable happen. My cereal is soggy. I dump it in the trash while visually searching for the phone. I grab it up and answer, then realize I probably shouldn’t have since I don’t technically live here.

  “So you are alive,” Chastity’s voice screetches from the receiver.

  “Hey,” I say, wishing I would have just glanced at the caller ID.

  “I figured if your plane had crashed I would have seen it on the news but I just wanted to hear your voice to know for sure,” she says.

  “I didn’t mean to worry you, my flight was late getting in and I didn’t want to wake you because of the time difference,” I lie.

  “Mmm…hmm…why’d you take a taxi to the airport?” she asks, shocking me. I thought I had made a clean getaway and I know that Phil wouldn’t have told her.

  “It was so early and I knew you guys had to work. It wasn’t a big deal.” Please, please let her buy that.

  “Remind your father that he still needs to pay his child support, I don’t care if you are here or not, I want my money,” she says, revealing the real reason she called.

  “I will,” I say, already dreading that conversation.

  “So, what’s she like?”

  “Annoyingly chipper,” I respond without hesitation, feeling like a complete traitor.

  She makes a disgusted sound but seems to have already lost interest in our conversation. In her defense, it is probably the most we have spoken in three months.

  “Gotta go,” she says, hanging up on me.

  I wouldn’t hate it if that was the only time I talk to her all summer, but I know I won’t get that lucky. I wish things could be different. I wish we could spend afternoons shopping and gossiping like Whit and her mom, but we’ve never had that kind of relationship. I’m just thankful that she was too worried about Lisa and her money to put any real thought into why I would have avoided a free ride to the airport from Phil. My mother may be a lot of things, but she definitely isn’t stupid. One of these days my luck is going to run out and she is going to figure things out. I push the thought out of my mind by turning up one of the musical numbers in Mamma Mia!

  I gaze around the perfectly put together room and wonder how two such different women captured my father’s attention. Granted, he was only nineteen when he met Chastity, but I still have a hard time imagining them together as a couple. My dad has always been punctual. My mother will figure out a way to be late to her own funeral. My dad is soft-spoken and gentle. My mother sharpens her words into intricate weapons that you may not feel immediately penetrate your skin but that will attach themselves inside you like an invisible parasite and continue to feed off of you for years.

  I should know. I’ve got thousands inside me. The only person who has more than me is Phil. I used to feel sorry for him because he could never do anything to please her. I used to cry myself to sleep at night worrying that he would move away like my dad did. I knew the heartache of losing a parent to geography and I didn’t want that for Wade. But then the tectonic plates of our blended family shifted and I somehow became the victim of both Chastity and Phil.

  Sometimes I wish that I had someone to talk to about the things that happened with Phil. But there is no one.

  Everyone, even my own father, thinks that Phil is the salt of the Earth. A saint in a construction worker’s clothes for being with my mother. I knew from the beginning, when I had trouble processing what was happening, that no one would ever be able to comprehend it. And if they split up, Wade would be torn from my life. He would probably hate me once he found out why they split up anyway and I couldn’t imagine how venomous my mother would be without Phil to kick around. All of that is assuming that she even believed me, which I knew in my heart she wouldn’t.

  So I kept my mouth shut. I bottled everything up and put on the mask of a normal teenager for the last eighteen months. But things have been escalating. I can feel it emulating from Phil like an invisible fog hanging off someone who just smoked a cigarette. So I had to escape.

  After less than one day here, I already feel human again. I don’t have to constantly be on guard. I can breathe for the first time in almost two years. I snuggle into the recliner and wondered how incredible it would be to feel so free all the time. If I lived here I wouldn’t have to worry about locking doors when I take a shower and I could wear a tank top to bed instead of sleeping in my bra. I could have a normal life if I could convince Dad and Lisa to keep me.

  I feel like a jerk for even considering leaving Wade behind but soon I’ll be at college anyway and then he can come visit me. Relief floods through my veins at the possibility of not just being on parole for the summer but staving off an execution. But all of this is going to be futile if Dad and Lisa don’t even want me.

  I have to make them want me.

  ****

  If there is one thing I know how to do, it’s kiss ass. Eighteen years of anticipating my mother’s mood swings and I’ve become very sensitive to the vibes of people around me. Not that I would even need that skill here. Lisa and my father both seem to want to forge a genuine relationship with me. I don’t know why all of the sudden this is important but maybe one of them needs an organ or something. At least I can use it to my advantage. If I bust my butt making myself useful around here, maybe when I ask to stay for the entire year, they might actually consider it.

  I flitter around the house trying to find things to do to help out, but Lisa keeps an immaculate house so it is nearly impossible. I unload the dishwasher, careful to try and put everything in the correct place. I make my bed, pick up my dirty laundry, and collect the mail. I consider making dinner until I realize Lisa already has something fabulous smelling simmering away in the crock pot.

  It isn’t long before I hear the garage door go up, signaling that it is time for me to put on the best performance of my life.

  Lisa comes in first, struggling with some paper bags full of groceries. Just as I reach to help her the bottom of one bag gives out and assorted produce goes tumbling across the living room carpet. We both giggle as we race around to catch it all.

  My arms full of fruit, I follow Lisa to the kitchen and dump it in the sink.

  “Thanks, Cassidy,” she says, dropping her purse and the other bag onto the island.

  “I hate to tell you this but I think you have a casualty,” I tease, gesturing to a mangled apple.

  She looks from me to the fruit three times before she realizes I’m joking. Wow,
I must have been a major buzz kill last night.

  “Honey, it doesn’t look like we got any mail today,” Dad’s voice bellows as he enters the kitchen.

  “It’s on the counter, Dad,” I say, pointing to the stack I retrieved earlier today.

  Dad and Lisa exchange a glance as if I just told them I was having puppies.

  “Thanks, hon,” Dad says, giving me a wink.

  “Yeah, thanks,” Lisa adds timidly.

  “Can I help with dinner, Lisa?” I ask. “The smell has been driving me crazy all day, it smells so good.” This I don’t even have to fake. Chastity can’t even master macaroni and cheese so anything that Lisa whips up is going to be heaven. I have a feeling my strict regimen of limiting myself to a thousand calories a day is going to be history this summer.

  “Um, sure. That would be great. Let me just run and change my clothes,” she says, bolting up the stairs before I change my mind. She isn’t even going to be hard to like. I could have gotten stuck with some lady who didn’t want to be reminded my dad had a life before her so I got off lucky.

  “Thank you, Cass,” Dad says with tears in his eyes.

  “For what?”

  “For giving me a second chance. It means a lot.”

  I stare at my bare feet and swallow down my guilt. This trip had absolutely nothing to do with wanting to see my dad and everything to do with escaping my life. I should be the one thanking him for rescuing me but I can’t do that. Chastity never told him the real reason I got sent here, worrying it would make her look like an unfit mother, which I’m thankful for because I wouldn’t want him to be disappointed in me, but I still feel like a fraud because I used him to escape from Phil.

  “I know she made it hard for you,” I say, throwing him a bone. “She’s a piece of work.”

  “You’re my little girl. I should have walked through fire for you, not ran away like a coward,” he confesses. I feel like he just shot an arrow directly into my heart. This whole time I thought that he just wrote me off and went to start this fabulous new life when he has struggled with leaving me the whole time. I want to run to him and bury my face into his chest like I used to when I was little, but I don’t feel the same about embraces now. Even Ethan’s touch that I used to dream about started feeling like a stomach-turning challenge on Fear Factor because of Phil.

  Lisa saves the day by emerging into the kitchen in sweatpants and a tank top. “Okay, do you know how to peel potatoes?” she asks, changing the subject. I kind of love this chick.

  ****

  My mother’s idea of a home-cooked meal is heating up a Stouffer’s frozen lasagna. Lisa was whirring around in the kitchen tonight like a miniature Gordon Ramsey minus the shitty attitude. The air in Dad and Lisa’s house feels different, and I don’t just mean the altitude. There is a peacefulness that I’ve never experienced before that I could get used to if I’m not careful.

  “Your turn, sweetie,” Dad says, handing me the dice.

  I couldn’t believe it when he suggested that we play Monopoly. I had somehow forgotten the hours we spent around this board when I was younger. I tried to hide my excitement under some false teenage angst over how lame playing board games with your family is, but I don’t think I was fooling anyone. I blow on the dice and toss them onto the board. Snake eyes, exactly what I didn’t want to roll.

  “Hmmm….it looks like I might have just won the game,” Lisa says jokingly.

  I grudgingly hand over my last property as payment since I have mortgaged everything else and emptied my rat hole of hidden cash.

  “I’ve never lost before,” I tell her, winking at Dad because I know he used to throw most of our games just to let me win.

  “This is only the beginning, my dear,” Lisa announces in an evil voice. “Tomorrow I shall wipe the floor with you at Scrabble, or Rummy, or basically any other game on the face of the Earth.” She fans herself obnoxiously with her fat wad of cash.

  “You see, Cassidy, on the outside Lisa looks like a normal person, but on the inside she is the most psychotically competitive person you have ever met. She even races me to see who can brush their teeth the fastest,” Dad divulges.

  I start laughing while helping Lisa pack up the game board and all the pieces. Dad clears our empty soda cans and snack garbage.

  “How about if I run up and get us some ice cream?” Dad offers.

  Good Lord, these people are going to have to reserve me two seats on the plane ride home if they keep feeding me like this. I’m not used to having a pantry full of food at my disposal all the time. At home, we eat out a lot. It is so bad that most of the waitresses in our favorite restaurants recognize us and don’t even have to ask what we want.

  “Yum, take Cassidy with you and show her around town a little bit,” Lisa suggests.

  The hair on my arms immediately stands on end at the thought of being alone with my father, which is insane because he isn’t Phil, but I still can’t control the physiological repercussions of the fear I have of almost all men.

  “You up for it, kiddo?” Dad asks, seemingly as nervous as I am.

  “Sure, just let me get my shoes,” I say, bolting upstairs so that I can get a handle on my nervousness. The last thing I want to do is hurt Dad’s feelings when my weirdness has absolutely nothing to do with him.

  I stall for as long as I can then slip my Chucks on and bounce downstairs.

  We both wave good-bye to Lisa and I almost laugh when I realize that we must look like death row inmates being led to our executions to her.

  Dad unlocks the SUV and we jump inside.

  “You can change the channel if you want,” he says, gesturing to the radio. I noticed yesterday that he has XM satellite radio and I’m dying to see what channels he gets. I happily turn the dial and survey some selections until I stop on something called Hair Nation. I instantly recognize the voice as belonging to the lead singer of Poison. My dad has never quite gotten out of the Eighties and, as a result, I must have memorized every Poison song when I was little.

  “That’s what I’m talking about,” he says, backing down the driveway and out of the subdivision.

  I smile, knowing that I made him happy. It has always taken so little to make him happy. Straight A’s, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, and watching Wade were never enough to make Chastity happy. She always reminded me of things I could be doing better or telling me that I was ungrateful. Everything I’ve ever done is to try and make her happy. I thought if she was happy then maybe she would love me. I was wrong.

  I push thoughts of her away as Dad gives me a brief tour of their town. I try and pay attention so that if I need to run out for tampons, I don’t end up needing a police escort back to Dad’s. Even though this is just a suburb of Denver it seems like New York City compared to back home.

  Dad points out a Super Target, a movie theater, the community pool, and a wicked looking mall that I will definitely be finding my way to. It seems strange how familiar everything seems even though it is all new to me. It’s almost like I can already picture my life being here from now on. Maybe, for once, something will work out in my pathetic life.

  Chapter Four

  I’m still too chicken to drive the SUV the next day, afraid I might park next to some jerk who puts a dent in it. I don’t want to do anything that might jeopardize my chances of getting to stay here. I spend the day on the deck trying to get a good base for a tan on my pasty skin. If I’m going to be here for four months, I’m going to stop forcing myself to look like something out of a zombie movie.

  I flip on my stomach and turn on my cell phone for the first time since I got here. It was killing me not to turn it on but I was afraid that Ethan would be sending me sappy texts that would make me get back together with him. Now I realize that even though I originally broke up with him because he was too close to finding out about the stuff with Phil, I know that we just aren’t right for each other. Even before anything weird started happening at home, I always cared for Ethan more in a
friend way than a boyfriend way. After everything that has happened, I seriously doubt that I will ever feel passion for any guy.

  The first time that Phil hugged me and I realized it wasn’t a step-fatherly type of hug was almost two years ago. I was wearing shorts and a tank top and had just come home from dance practice. I thought it was weird that he asked for a hug in the middle of the day on a random Tuesday, but I figured he had a rough day. Until that point I thought of him as more of my father than Dad, even though my conscious mind would never allow me to call him by anything other than Phil, no matter how many times my mother insisted that I call him Dad.

  He whispered something about how good I felt, which seemed weird, but I didn’t read much into it. Then chaos erupted in my stomach at the same time that I felt the budge in his jeans pressed against the crotch of my shorts. His hands started trailing down my back when I finally jerked away and bolted to my room.

  I replayed the scene a million times in my head, wondering how I could have misread it. I was still so naïve about sex. Ethan and I had only done it three times and I wondered if losing my virginity had made some wires cross in my brain and now I thought of everything in terms of sex. I tried telling myself anything and everything to explain away the uncomfortable exchange.

  Six months went by and I had written it off to me feeling guilty about the things I had been doing with Ethan. My own mother had accused me of dressing seductively, although I wasn’t convinced matching your bra and panties was the definition of seductive.

  Random things started happening like Phil accidently walking in on me when I was in the shower, or Phil insisting on doing the dirty laundry and my panties consistently missing. One night Wade had a sleepover and Chastity worked late. Ethan had the flu so I stayed home. Phil popped some popcorn and suggested a movie night, even offering to watch a chick flick. It makes me sick now to think of how naïve I was and how he kept texting Chastity to make sure she was still at work so he could set the scene.